OK. So...it all started when I was in the 2rd grade. My father was in the military at the time and we were living in Germany. Over there my friends and I (and I had PLENTY) were running around the block from seriously 12 pm to 10 pm and barely came in for 10 minutes to eat dinner. If you've seen me as a child - I looked anorexic almost - I was teeny.
Then when I was entering into the 3rd grade we moved to America for the 2nd time. Only this time, to good ole' relaxed and sedentary Kansas. Fast food was almost non-existant in Germany in our diets and when we came to America it was our primary source of food. Now, I am not saying that my mom and dad did not cook - because they did - but I was so picky and they didn't make me eat it if I didn't want it. They would go anywhere in the world to satisfy me - and most of the time that was fast food. I fell head over heels in LOVE with Chicken Nuggets...and little did I know that turned out to be the devil in food form.
I would eat fast food constantly (even as a young kid). So, this new McNugget diet and the lack of exercise I was getting packed on the pounds. By sixth grade I was wearing boy's husky pants (they didn't make girl pants big enough). I remember crying in Sears because eventually I couldn't even fit into the fattest husky pants they had. (Husky=Fat)
So then in about 7th grade my father went overseas to serve in Kuwait for a year. I was SO close with my dad and all I did every day was seriously worry about whether he would be OK...or whether I would see him again. I began eating my emotions instead of talking about them...and I developed a really bad habit of doing that.
Then the years passed and my dad came back...but I had made food my replacement for my dad. Sounds weird, right? Well...I didn't know how to get rid of that...and all I wanted was junk food. No one ever told me no because I would throw a fit if they did.
I remember one time my mom had tried to make me eat chili (I hatttted (and still do) chili). She sat me on the counter of the kitchen until I took ONE bite of the chili. It was stone cold after 3 hours and I hopped down and ran away crying. Later that night, I fixed myself some stupid frozen chicken nuggets.
This was when the closet eating began. I would buy things for myself that no one would know about...and eat them in my room. I was constantly bribed with food in order to do something. And it worked...for a while.
My fascination with food became this overwhelming obsession - not something that I THOUGHT about but it was just something that I did. That was Rebecca. That was me.
I was taught (not purposefully) that food=comfort. Food=Love. Food=The WORLD.
Those lessons helped me ruin my own self esteem and gain a BUNCH of weight.
I wouldn't say that I had that many friends during high school. In fact I would say I almost had none. Especially during my junior year of highschool. I went out to eat EVERY. DAY. No joke. EVERY DAY. I would rotate the fast food restaurants so the employees "wouldn't know" I ate out so much. All I did that year was drain my bank account, and pack on the pounds. I think I gained 60 pounds more or less.
I think my lack of friendships here in KS has negatively effected me in so many ways...and I still feel I do not have a "group of friends".
Something you probably don't know about me:
1) I have never slept over at anyone's house here in Kansas.
2) I can count on one hand the number of times someone has called me just to have a conversation
3) Even when I am surrounded by people...my heart feels so alone.
4) Never had a "boyfriend"...not even close!
All of those factors contribute to my over-eating and stuffing my emotions. I am not sure what is wrong with me...but all of those things are true. And it makes me want to cry thinking about it.
Those play a big part in my weight gain years - the factor of loneliness being the biggest one.
All I really wanted out of highschool was to gain some friends and lose some weight...but that didn't happen.
So...that is really how I have GAINED the weight and how I've gotten fat. I basically overused food when I was a kid...and then that ballooned tremendously when I was a young adult into coping with food.
It wasn't about the flavor at all. It was about "how much food can I stuff inside of me in order to get rid of these feelings?"
Obviously, I didn't logically think that out...but that is what it equates to.
I ate when I was happy, sad, mad, glad, excited, nervous, bored, lonely, anxious, depressed, you name it - I was eating during that time!
The fatter I got the worse it became.
The fact that I have never shopped in a normal store...EVER!!! depressed me for YEARS.
So when my peers were shopping at Hollister and Abercrombie and American Eagle...I was shopping at Lane Bryant.
The store with no style and big sizes. YAY what a treat!
SO.....I am done with this depressing post...because these days are over.
I hope this gave you some insight.
If you have questions, let me know. I'd be happy to answer them.
peace & love,
becca joy.
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