I cried because "I can't eat chicken fried rice."

Changing your life requires sacrifices. You have to be willing to give up something that is hindering your progress in order to receive ______. Whatever it may be. This is applicable to almost anything. With weight loss it is the same thing. Only - if you want - you can kind of go half way and "limit" yourself. You have to choose whether you want to be FULLY successful; or only half way successful. One of my favorite quotations that I heard my senior year of highschool was "Everything in moderation and nothing in excess". That has been my motto for the longest times in regards to "permissive eating". I would let myself have something "in moderation" (I never did figure out what that meant....does that mean the whole pint of icecream? Oh...it doesn't? ...Do you see the problem here?) and then I'd feel bad for letting myself eat that when I knew it was "wrong". When you YIELD or SUCCUMB to something it is *SO* much easier to YIELD or SUCCUMB to it the next time. However, when you HALT or STOP yourself from eating something "you shouldn't" - you will have more POWER to say NO to that same food (or a similar one) the next time and the next. There's a pattern... If you are a permissive eater...it leads to more permissive eating...and everything eventually becomes "okay" to have.

If you do not understand what permissive eating means let me put it in laymen's terms and give you the readers digest version. (At least I'll try. I tend to be long-winded). If you've never had a problem with food (an eating disorder, if you will -- on any extreme: anorexia, bulimia, chewing & spitting, or overeating/stuffing your emotions) you develop a weird relationship with "Food". (Food here is capitalized for a reason. Reason being that Food becomes like a person if you will and the person who interacts with Food has a weird addiction to it/lack of it). Ok...so I don't know if that makes any sense at all so far, but hopefully it does. Ok so said person knows they have a problem with Food; yet they visit them anyways.

I would imagine it would be like an alcoholic or drug addict who is actively participating in recovery; yet every once in awhile they go and visit their drug addicted friends just to see "what's up". And when they do this - it slides them back into their old habits and gets them back to where they started again. But...I could never imagine someone who is NOT a drug addict saying that a little crack here or whatever there is "okay" to have...as long as you have it in moderation. (Except for recreational users...but that's besides the point).

Capiche? Well it's the same thing with Food. Only - this problem is unavoidable. People need food to live, but people don't need drugs to live. So every day people with problems with Food are forced to deal with their "demons" multiple times a day. It's hard. No matter what your problem is or struggle is in life - it's going to be HARD. And tears will come and inevitably flow.

Hopefully you're still with me here. So I have realized that I have a strange problem with food and if I truly am going to be successful with this I must rationalize these thoughts and feelings towards Food. I must deal with them. I can't go around them or under them or over them - I have to go through them. I used food as my comfort. It was my best friend, my solstice - it was how I marked the days in a way. I would eat my emotions and then eat my emotions for eating my emotions. It was ridiculous. No matter what the occasion there was sure to be my friend Food. He never let me down.

It's weird, I know. But if you struggle with this you'll probably understand what I mean.

When I decided that I was ready for this and that I was going to change my life, I decided that I was ready to divorce Food. I was ready to give him up (the bad stuff...not all foods, of course). And I did. I gave up a lot, and I still have given up a LOT of foods that used to be my kryptonite. Sometimes, though, I see the old Becca come back and give in and begin to act like her old self. But I have to stop it. I have to remember that food is not my friend. It's not meant to be pleasurable. Measuring my food intake by pleasure, comfort, and love was what got me to be morbidly (class III) obese. My BMI was 49.4. I was really, really, REALLY fat. Some friend Food was, huh? Yep. I thought so. I would never NOT-admit that food wasn't my friend.

And so I've been going through this "grieving" process (for this entire time of losing weight) of not being able to comfort myself with my old behavior. It's a weird sensation from getting off of your crack and feeling your emotions. So when I'm sad, I cry. When I'm happy, I laugh. When I'm angry, I'm angry. There's no going around it now. I have to sit in my discomfort and deal with what I'm going through.

I kind of feel pathetic admitting this...but tonight I CRIED because I "can't eat chicken fried rice" tonight. I did. I wept like a little baby - because I wanted some rice. Because I wanted to be a permissive eater. Because I wanted food to be my comfort. Because I wanted to have the easier way of just giving in versus fighting whatever is going on in my head. It's CRAZY...but you have to do the mental work if you truly want to succeed. If you TRULY want to succeed.

It's not that I CAN'T eat it. I could if I wanted to. But for me it's a mental thing. Some people would say "WHO CARES? JUST EAT THE _______n' RICE!" But see, I can't win that way. If I do that - then I would be one step closer to having a BMI of 49.4.

So tonight, I opened up the carton, and I looked at its carby - yumminess. And I smelled it. And then I looked at it some more. I wanted it so bad. I still WANT it so bad. It's just sitting up there in the fridge. Yep...it's still there.

I've heard it described as a "fat monster" - and it's chasing you - always. And you have to keep on running and never stop. When you do - they've got you in their grasp and it's hard to leave its grasp - and you have to start the "divorce process" all over again.

I'm all over the place - I know. I have so much I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say it all.

Sometimes I get mad because I can't have a "clean food environment" like I'd like. I want things a certain way and I only want the foods that I can eat around me and that way I won't be tempted by anything. But I know that's not real life. I know I have to be able to deal with temptation on my own and be a big girl and grow up and not eat the food because their is no Food in it. I'm mad because this stuff was brought into the house and now I have to deal with the emotions of wanting it and then resisting it...all because it was brought into the house. But we can look at this two ways. 1) This sucks and I am mad at the person who enabled this situation to happen....OR Option 2) I am able to grow from this experience and I am happy that I am able to deal with this and NOT eat it...and that I have CONTROL of my mind and body - and the two coincide.

I guess my point is that this is hard. Really, really, really hard. And it's uncomfortable. And I don't like it. And I don't want to do it. But I have to. I feel stronger when I come out of a situation like that....but sometimes it's just so hard to tell yourself no. You must be willing to practice self-discipline and tell yourself no. Not because you're "depriving yourself" of some crappy food - but because you're bettering your future and your health.

I don't always win. I'm definitely not perfect. But I get asked all the time "how do I do it?" And the honest answer is - I have no idea. It's magic. I have no idea where this desire came from; but it's here and I can't ignore it. I can NOT let the fat monster win. I just have to keep on going with it - no matter how much the Food tells me that it's my friend and will make me feel better - because it won't.

Sit in your discomfort and make a good choice.

Cry. Read. Write a note on your blog. Journal. Go to sleep.

But sit in your discomfort first and ask yourself why you truly want that. ...OR DO YOU?

...And I didn't eat the chicken fried rice.

It's March!

Spring is flirting with us; and Winter is taunting us. It's starting to warm up outside and I am really enjoying it. I can't wait for it to get warmer so I can get a nice tan, run, and ride my bike outside!

I know I say this all the time, but I really should update this blog more often. I have hit three major milestones (that I can recall) since I last updated this blog.

1 - I bought a size Large shirt from American Eagle. It's black and it's not a blouse - but it is a LARGE and it's from AMERICAN EAGLE. I almost cried in the dressing room. Of course I bought it! :) I also bought some size 14 jeans from AE - and can't get them on yet. I am trying them on periodically and they are getting closer to being able to fit -- but I still have a LOOOONG way. I would like to be in a Size 12 by my birthday (June 26). On the 27th of February I hit another major milestone of losing 100.6 lbs! Woo-hoo!

My legs were shaking and I didn't really believe it - but it happened! I've put a lot of hard work into losing all of this weight - and I am finally in the triple-digit losses! YES!

My parents are amazing and have been such a great support for me. After I got off the scale, I shouted "MOM" "DAD!!!!" They came out of their room with noise makers and faux-medals (10 of them) for me. Each medal represented 10 pounds of weight loss. They gave me a card and a few Jillian Michael's books (she is amazing), too. Pretty cool stuff!

It's about a week after I hit my 100 pound loss and haven't lost anything else. I tend to go through this "self-sabotage" phase right before I am about to hit a major goal or milestone and right afterwards as well. I am so unsure as to why I do this -- but it is definitely something I am aware of. I need to fix this problem as soon as possible so that I can maintain my goal weight for the rest of my life.

Another milestone that I accomplished was on the 10th of February. I ran my first 10 minute mile -- EVER! I was watching the show "I Used To Be Fat" and Kirsten (the participant) ran a 10 minute mile. I figured that if SHE could do it; then I could too! I brought myself to the gym, put the speed at 6.0 MPH, and ran for my life. After the 10 minutes was over, I stood there dumbfounded, and then began bawling on the treadmill. It was a fantastic night.

With weight loss brings change. It's inevitable. You're going to change physically. You're going to look different, feel different, and aspire to BE different. If you're truly committed you will change your mentality and your habits. Sometimes that change is uncomfortable - VERY uncomfortable - and other times it feels good and you'll feel proud of the things that you've accomplished and the pounds you've lost.

It's about changing my life one day at a time and being the best me that I can be for the rest of my days. With that, I want to help OTHERS. It's quite common for people to get cocky after losing massive amounts of weight. For them to go and judge people who were morbidly obese. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to HELP people. With that, I've started thinking about becoming a personal trainer. I think that would be a dream come true. I would be able to inspire others and help people reach their goals and be the best people they can be physically. How awesome would that be? It's definitely something I have in the back of my mind as to what I want to do with my life. I still want to be an educator; but this would just be an extra job. Perhaps on week-nights or on the weekends and definitely during the summer.

I'm pretty hopeful. :)

Take care.

Love,

becca joy