I cried because "I can't eat chicken fried rice."

Changing your life requires sacrifices. You have to be willing to give up something that is hindering your progress in order to receive ______. Whatever it may be. This is applicable to almost anything. With weight loss it is the same thing. Only - if you want - you can kind of go half way and "limit" yourself. You have to choose whether you want to be FULLY successful; or only half way successful. One of my favorite quotations that I heard my senior year of highschool was "Everything in moderation and nothing in excess". That has been my motto for the longest times in regards to "permissive eating". I would let myself have something "in moderation" (I never did figure out what that meant....does that mean the whole pint of icecream? Oh...it doesn't? ...Do you see the problem here?) and then I'd feel bad for letting myself eat that when I knew it was "wrong". When you YIELD or SUCCUMB to something it is *SO* much easier to YIELD or SUCCUMB to it the next time. However, when you HALT or STOP yourself from eating something "you shouldn't" - you will have more POWER to say NO to that same food (or a similar one) the next time and the next. There's a pattern... If you are a permissive eater...it leads to more permissive eating...and everything eventually becomes "okay" to have.

If you do not understand what permissive eating means let me put it in laymen's terms and give you the readers digest version. (At least I'll try. I tend to be long-winded). If you've never had a problem with food (an eating disorder, if you will -- on any extreme: anorexia, bulimia, chewing & spitting, or overeating/stuffing your emotions) you develop a weird relationship with "Food". (Food here is capitalized for a reason. Reason being that Food becomes like a person if you will and the person who interacts with Food has a weird addiction to it/lack of it). Ok...so I don't know if that makes any sense at all so far, but hopefully it does. Ok so said person knows they have a problem with Food; yet they visit them anyways.

I would imagine it would be like an alcoholic or drug addict who is actively participating in recovery; yet every once in awhile they go and visit their drug addicted friends just to see "what's up". And when they do this - it slides them back into their old habits and gets them back to where they started again. But...I could never imagine someone who is NOT a drug addict saying that a little crack here or whatever there is "okay" to have...as long as you have it in moderation. (Except for recreational users...but that's besides the point).

Capiche? Well it's the same thing with Food. Only - this problem is unavoidable. People need food to live, but people don't need drugs to live. So every day people with problems with Food are forced to deal with their "demons" multiple times a day. It's hard. No matter what your problem is or struggle is in life - it's going to be HARD. And tears will come and inevitably flow.

Hopefully you're still with me here. So I have realized that I have a strange problem with food and if I truly am going to be successful with this I must rationalize these thoughts and feelings towards Food. I must deal with them. I can't go around them or under them or over them - I have to go through them. I used food as my comfort. It was my best friend, my solstice - it was how I marked the days in a way. I would eat my emotions and then eat my emotions for eating my emotions. It was ridiculous. No matter what the occasion there was sure to be my friend Food. He never let me down.

It's weird, I know. But if you struggle with this you'll probably understand what I mean.

When I decided that I was ready for this and that I was going to change my life, I decided that I was ready to divorce Food. I was ready to give him up (the bad stuff...not all foods, of course). And I did. I gave up a lot, and I still have given up a LOT of foods that used to be my kryptonite. Sometimes, though, I see the old Becca come back and give in and begin to act like her old self. But I have to stop it. I have to remember that food is not my friend. It's not meant to be pleasurable. Measuring my food intake by pleasure, comfort, and love was what got me to be morbidly (class III) obese. My BMI was 49.4. I was really, really, REALLY fat. Some friend Food was, huh? Yep. I thought so. I would never NOT-admit that food wasn't my friend.

And so I've been going through this "grieving" process (for this entire time of losing weight) of not being able to comfort myself with my old behavior. It's a weird sensation from getting off of your crack and feeling your emotions. So when I'm sad, I cry. When I'm happy, I laugh. When I'm angry, I'm angry. There's no going around it now. I have to sit in my discomfort and deal with what I'm going through.

I kind of feel pathetic admitting this...but tonight I CRIED because I "can't eat chicken fried rice" tonight. I did. I wept like a little baby - because I wanted some rice. Because I wanted to be a permissive eater. Because I wanted food to be my comfort. Because I wanted to have the easier way of just giving in versus fighting whatever is going on in my head. It's CRAZY...but you have to do the mental work if you truly want to succeed. If you TRULY want to succeed.

It's not that I CAN'T eat it. I could if I wanted to. But for me it's a mental thing. Some people would say "WHO CARES? JUST EAT THE _______n' RICE!" But see, I can't win that way. If I do that - then I would be one step closer to having a BMI of 49.4.

So tonight, I opened up the carton, and I looked at its carby - yumminess. And I smelled it. And then I looked at it some more. I wanted it so bad. I still WANT it so bad. It's just sitting up there in the fridge. Yep...it's still there.

I've heard it described as a "fat monster" - and it's chasing you - always. And you have to keep on running and never stop. When you do - they've got you in their grasp and it's hard to leave its grasp - and you have to start the "divorce process" all over again.

I'm all over the place - I know. I have so much I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say it all.

Sometimes I get mad because I can't have a "clean food environment" like I'd like. I want things a certain way and I only want the foods that I can eat around me and that way I won't be tempted by anything. But I know that's not real life. I know I have to be able to deal with temptation on my own and be a big girl and grow up and not eat the food because their is no Food in it. I'm mad because this stuff was brought into the house and now I have to deal with the emotions of wanting it and then resisting it...all because it was brought into the house. But we can look at this two ways. 1) This sucks and I am mad at the person who enabled this situation to happen....OR Option 2) I am able to grow from this experience and I am happy that I am able to deal with this and NOT eat it...and that I have CONTROL of my mind and body - and the two coincide.

I guess my point is that this is hard. Really, really, really hard. And it's uncomfortable. And I don't like it. And I don't want to do it. But I have to. I feel stronger when I come out of a situation like that....but sometimes it's just so hard to tell yourself no. You must be willing to practice self-discipline and tell yourself no. Not because you're "depriving yourself" of some crappy food - but because you're bettering your future and your health.

I don't always win. I'm definitely not perfect. But I get asked all the time "how do I do it?" And the honest answer is - I have no idea. It's magic. I have no idea where this desire came from; but it's here and I can't ignore it. I can NOT let the fat monster win. I just have to keep on going with it - no matter how much the Food tells me that it's my friend and will make me feel better - because it won't.

Sit in your discomfort and make a good choice.

Cry. Read. Write a note on your blog. Journal. Go to sleep.

But sit in your discomfort first and ask yourself why you truly want that. ...OR DO YOU?

...And I didn't eat the chicken fried rice.

It's March!

Spring is flirting with us; and Winter is taunting us. It's starting to warm up outside and I am really enjoying it. I can't wait for it to get warmer so I can get a nice tan, run, and ride my bike outside!

I know I say this all the time, but I really should update this blog more often. I have hit three major milestones (that I can recall) since I last updated this blog.

1 - I bought a size Large shirt from American Eagle. It's black and it's not a blouse - but it is a LARGE and it's from AMERICAN EAGLE. I almost cried in the dressing room. Of course I bought it! :) I also bought some size 14 jeans from AE - and can't get them on yet. I am trying them on periodically and they are getting closer to being able to fit -- but I still have a LOOOONG way. I would like to be in a Size 12 by my birthday (June 26). On the 27th of February I hit another major milestone of losing 100.6 lbs! Woo-hoo!

My legs were shaking and I didn't really believe it - but it happened! I've put a lot of hard work into losing all of this weight - and I am finally in the triple-digit losses! YES!

My parents are amazing and have been such a great support for me. After I got off the scale, I shouted "MOM" "DAD!!!!" They came out of their room with noise makers and faux-medals (10 of them) for me. Each medal represented 10 pounds of weight loss. They gave me a card and a few Jillian Michael's books (she is amazing), too. Pretty cool stuff!

It's about a week after I hit my 100 pound loss and haven't lost anything else. I tend to go through this "self-sabotage" phase right before I am about to hit a major goal or milestone and right afterwards as well. I am so unsure as to why I do this -- but it is definitely something I am aware of. I need to fix this problem as soon as possible so that I can maintain my goal weight for the rest of my life.

Another milestone that I accomplished was on the 10th of February. I ran my first 10 minute mile -- EVER! I was watching the show "I Used To Be Fat" and Kirsten (the participant) ran a 10 minute mile. I figured that if SHE could do it; then I could too! I brought myself to the gym, put the speed at 6.0 MPH, and ran for my life. After the 10 minutes was over, I stood there dumbfounded, and then began bawling on the treadmill. It was a fantastic night.

With weight loss brings change. It's inevitable. You're going to change physically. You're going to look different, feel different, and aspire to BE different. If you're truly committed you will change your mentality and your habits. Sometimes that change is uncomfortable - VERY uncomfortable - and other times it feels good and you'll feel proud of the things that you've accomplished and the pounds you've lost.

It's about changing my life one day at a time and being the best me that I can be for the rest of my days. With that, I want to help OTHERS. It's quite common for people to get cocky after losing massive amounts of weight. For them to go and judge people who were morbidly obese. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to HELP people. With that, I've started thinking about becoming a personal trainer. I think that would be a dream come true. I would be able to inspire others and help people reach their goals and be the best people they can be physically. How awesome would that be? It's definitely something I have in the back of my mind as to what I want to do with my life. I still want to be an educator; but this would just be an extra job. Perhaps on week-nights or on the weekends and definitely during the summer.

I'm pretty hopeful. :)

Take care.

Love,

becca joy

TOMORROW WILL NOT BE ANY EASIER

Today has been a really hard day for me. Actually, this whole week has been luggish, sad, and hard. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. But I know that I *can't*. I physically can not go back to where I was. There is no way I will allow myself to do that. That would be too easy.

At times I feel like I am the ultimate failure and I won't succeed at anything. I feel like things are too hard sometimes and I can't handle the pressure. It's not a matter of wanting it anymore. I knowI want it, but I just don't know how bad.

I was looking in the mirror yesterday and I was pretty disgusted with what I saw. Although I've lost 85 pounds, I don't feel it or see it. I feel like I've gone nowhere. Now, I know that's not true. And I know that for someone who hasn't lost a substantial amount of weight they won't understand. I saw my first "shrinkles" either yesterday or the day before. I was disgusted. When I'm at goal, I'm going to have my excess fat gone...but I'm afraid I'm still not going to consider myself "beautiful". I don't want to give up on getting to goal just because I am afraid of some excess skin. But it's terrifying me. It never bothered me before, and I never thought it would. And it's not even like I have a lot now...it's just a little bit under my arms.

I'm falling back into old, destructive habits and I need to eliminate those as soon as possible. I've been thinking that chocolate will make a "good snack". Or pizza is a "fine dinner". Uhh...that is what got me to be 85 pounds heavier than I am now.

I find myself eating a LOT of food when I am not hungry. I'm eating mindlessly, constantly looking for food to eat when I don't need it. I'm looking for snacks in between meals. I haven't been getting my water in like I'm supposed to. And I've been slacking off in the gym.

Somewhere along the lines I've lost the drive that I once had. I don't know why, but I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all day. Maybe I'm depressed, who knows.

But I need to treat my body better than I have been. It's unacceptable.

Part of me thinks that the reason I've been feeling so down is because I've fallen away from God. He used to be such a crucial part of my life and I centered my whole world around Him. Now...not so much. I don't go to Christian Challenge anymore - which I used to go every Thursday. I used to go to bible studies and church on Sunday. I then stopped going to church because I didn't like some things about it. But that's besides the point. There are dozens of other churches I could belong to in this town...so why don't I go? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm afraid of being totally accepted and loved by God because I am so imperfect and I usually always fail and fail and fail. My faith kind of feels like it's crumbling - but I don't want it to. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or successful or "the best" at x,y,z. I'm afraid of being loved for everything that I am.

I'm just in this weird mental place and I've been here for a while. I'm at a "fork in the road" to be cliché and I honestly don't know where to turn. If I go back to my "old life" then I would go the EASY way. I decided a long time ago that the easy would not suffice and what got me to my heaviest weight.

"The easy way" is not doing anything about it. The "easy way" is being fat and staying there and being CONTENT with it. I was content with being morbidly obese for YEARS. I can't take that anymore.

I went to the gym two days ago...and I was about to give up. I was on the elliptical...and was barely even sweating. I told myself initially that I wanted to burn 600 calories...and then I would be done. Normally that would require me to be on the elliptical for about 60 minutes. When I got to 230 I thought that was "good enough". And then I said...no...I need to get to 2 miles...and then I thought NO...I need to get to "_ _ _" calories. And then I kept on going. I was seriously about to get off the elliptical when this guy got on a treadmill right ahead of me and his shirt said "TOMORROW WILL NOT BE ANY EASIER". I *loved* this quote. It inspired me to stay on the elliptical until I was done with my 60 minutes. In that time frame, (actually 65 min. with cool down) I burned 723 calories and went 4.52 miles - which is the longest I've ever gone doing any kind of exercise in the gym. His shirt meant a lot to me. Because if I was to quit today...and say "Oh, I can make it up tomorrow" that essentially would not make today count. Because...who's to say that I won't say the *same* thing tomorrow? And the next day? And it is a viscous cycle of dread and torture. I'm sick of ruining my body.

I just don't know how to get myself out of this funk. Unless I have some outside source of motivation I can't get myself to do anything. I don't want to live or thrive off of other people's success. I just can't do it anymore. I am wondering though, why this is so hard. Why can't this be easier? Why can't this be as easy as getting fat?

I'm still at it!

It's been four months since I've been on this blog! Wow, how time has flown by.

Alrighty then. I'm still at losing weight ~ and I've been doing well! As of today, I have lost 85 pounds thus far. Woo-hoo! Hip-hip-hooray! What an amazing accomplishment this is. It honestly doesn't feel like I've lost 85 pounds ~ and I certainly don't think I look like I've lost 85 pounds...but that is what the scale says...so I'm going with it!

I know I look a lot different and am wearing *much* smaller clothes, but when I look in the mirror...I still see the OLD sized Becca. I'm not sure why, but I do not see the person who has lost a significant amount of weight. I still have a long ways to go, and that is probably why. I have been having trouble seeing the difference in some photos that I have taken of myself.

At any rate, whether I see it or not, I am thrilled. I have been working extremely hard at eating the right foods, eating small portions, and exercising like there's no tomorrow.

Last week I spent a total of nine HOURS working out. This week hasn't been that amazing ~ but I'm going to do better next week.

I have had a lot of NSVs (Non-Scale Victories) happen. While a lot of them are clothing sizes (I am not going to post my size for everyone to see..heh), here are two that I can share on here.

~I had several extra inches left over on the airplane seatbelt. (This has never happened before)

~When I went to the doctor's office the nurse used a normal size blood pressure cuff on my arm instead of the larger sized cuff. (This, also, has never happened before.)

Exciting stuff!

I am working my hardest to be at my goal weight by 11.11.11. I have a long ways to go...but I will get there! If not on that day, I WILL get there soon thereafter. And then the next phase of life begins ~ keeping it off in maintenance for the rest of my life. I know that with the good habits that I have adapted with eating smaller portions, exercising more, and drinking *lots* of water I will be able to maintain my body at a healthy weight. For my height, a "healthy" B.M.I. is anywhere from 18.5 at 122 pounds all the way to 24.9 at 164 pounds. ...Quite a scale. Once I pass 164 - I never want to see that number again (unless I'm pregnant). My goal weight is to be a sound 145 pounds ~ but ultimately I'd like to be in the 132-138 range so I can have some "bouncing" or "play" room. We'll see when I get there.

This post is getting really long (like all of my other ones...because I never update...) so I'll end it with some of my running goals for 2011.

RUNNING GOALS:

• Run 4 5Ks. Run at least 1 of them in under 30 minutes.
• Run a 10 minute mile
• Run 2 10Ks. Try my best to run 1 of them in about an hour.
• Complete 1 half marathon
• Complete 1 full marathon. (SCHEDULED 10-15-11 in KC)

I don't have a time limit for the half or the full...I just want to complete them...with running as much as I possibly can.

Alright. Well that's going to be it for this post. I can't guarantee when I'll update again.

Until then, stay healthy.

Love,

Becca