TOMORROW WILL NOT BE ANY EASIER

Today has been a really hard day for me. Actually, this whole week has been luggish, sad, and hard. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. But I know that I *can't*. I physically can not go back to where I was. There is no way I will allow myself to do that. That would be too easy.

At times I feel like I am the ultimate failure and I won't succeed at anything. I feel like things are too hard sometimes and I can't handle the pressure. It's not a matter of wanting it anymore. I knowI want it, but I just don't know how bad.

I was looking in the mirror yesterday and I was pretty disgusted with what I saw. Although I've lost 85 pounds, I don't feel it or see it. I feel like I've gone nowhere. Now, I know that's not true. And I know that for someone who hasn't lost a substantial amount of weight they won't understand. I saw my first "shrinkles" either yesterday or the day before. I was disgusted. When I'm at goal, I'm going to have my excess fat gone...but I'm afraid I'm still not going to consider myself "beautiful". I don't want to give up on getting to goal just because I am afraid of some excess skin. But it's terrifying me. It never bothered me before, and I never thought it would. And it's not even like I have a lot now...it's just a little bit under my arms.

I'm falling back into old, destructive habits and I need to eliminate those as soon as possible. I've been thinking that chocolate will make a "good snack". Or pizza is a "fine dinner". Uhh...that is what got me to be 85 pounds heavier than I am now.

I find myself eating a LOT of food when I am not hungry. I'm eating mindlessly, constantly looking for food to eat when I don't need it. I'm looking for snacks in between meals. I haven't been getting my water in like I'm supposed to. And I've been slacking off in the gym.

Somewhere along the lines I've lost the drive that I once had. I don't know why, but I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all day. Maybe I'm depressed, who knows.

But I need to treat my body better than I have been. It's unacceptable.

Part of me thinks that the reason I've been feeling so down is because I've fallen away from God. He used to be such a crucial part of my life and I centered my whole world around Him. Now...not so much. I don't go to Christian Challenge anymore - which I used to go every Thursday. I used to go to bible studies and church on Sunday. I then stopped going to church because I didn't like some things about it. But that's besides the point. There are dozens of other churches I could belong to in this town...so why don't I go? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm afraid of being totally accepted and loved by God because I am so imperfect and I usually always fail and fail and fail. My faith kind of feels like it's crumbling - but I don't want it to. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or successful or "the best" at x,y,z. I'm afraid of being loved for everything that I am.

I'm just in this weird mental place and I've been here for a while. I'm at a "fork in the road" to be cliché and I honestly don't know where to turn. If I go back to my "old life" then I would go the EASY way. I decided a long time ago that the easy would not suffice and what got me to my heaviest weight.

"The easy way" is not doing anything about it. The "easy way" is being fat and staying there and being CONTENT with it. I was content with being morbidly obese for YEARS. I can't take that anymore.

I went to the gym two days ago...and I was about to give up. I was on the elliptical...and was barely even sweating. I told myself initially that I wanted to burn 600 calories...and then I would be done. Normally that would require me to be on the elliptical for about 60 minutes. When I got to 230 I thought that was "good enough". And then I said...no...I need to get to 2 miles...and then I thought NO...I need to get to "_ _ _" calories. And then I kept on going. I was seriously about to get off the elliptical when this guy got on a treadmill right ahead of me and his shirt said "TOMORROW WILL NOT BE ANY EASIER". I *loved* this quote. It inspired me to stay on the elliptical until I was done with my 60 minutes. In that time frame, (actually 65 min. with cool down) I burned 723 calories and went 4.52 miles - which is the longest I've ever gone doing any kind of exercise in the gym. His shirt meant a lot to me. Because if I was to quit today...and say "Oh, I can make it up tomorrow" that essentially would not make today count. Because...who's to say that I won't say the *same* thing tomorrow? And the next day? And it is a viscous cycle of dread and torture. I'm sick of ruining my body.

I just don't know how to get myself out of this funk. Unless I have some outside source of motivation I can't get myself to do anything. I don't want to live or thrive off of other people's success. I just can't do it anymore. I am wondering though, why this is so hard. Why can't this be easier? Why can't this be as easy as getting fat?

I'm still at it!

It's been four months since I've been on this blog! Wow, how time has flown by.

Alrighty then. I'm still at losing weight ~ and I've been doing well! As of today, I have lost 85 pounds thus far. Woo-hoo! Hip-hip-hooray! What an amazing accomplishment this is. It honestly doesn't feel like I've lost 85 pounds ~ and I certainly don't think I look like I've lost 85 pounds...but that is what the scale says...so I'm going with it!

I know I look a lot different and am wearing *much* smaller clothes, but when I look in the mirror...I still see the OLD sized Becca. I'm not sure why, but I do not see the person who has lost a significant amount of weight. I still have a long ways to go, and that is probably why. I have been having trouble seeing the difference in some photos that I have taken of myself.

At any rate, whether I see it or not, I am thrilled. I have been working extremely hard at eating the right foods, eating small portions, and exercising like there's no tomorrow.

Last week I spent a total of nine HOURS working out. This week hasn't been that amazing ~ but I'm going to do better next week.

I have had a lot of NSVs (Non-Scale Victories) happen. While a lot of them are clothing sizes (I am not going to post my size for everyone to see..heh), here are two that I can share on here.

~I had several extra inches left over on the airplane seatbelt. (This has never happened before)

~When I went to the doctor's office the nurse used a normal size blood pressure cuff on my arm instead of the larger sized cuff. (This, also, has never happened before.)

Exciting stuff!

I am working my hardest to be at my goal weight by 11.11.11. I have a long ways to go...but I will get there! If not on that day, I WILL get there soon thereafter. And then the next phase of life begins ~ keeping it off in maintenance for the rest of my life. I know that with the good habits that I have adapted with eating smaller portions, exercising more, and drinking *lots* of water I will be able to maintain my body at a healthy weight. For my height, a "healthy" B.M.I. is anywhere from 18.5 at 122 pounds all the way to 24.9 at 164 pounds. ...Quite a scale. Once I pass 164 - I never want to see that number again (unless I'm pregnant). My goal weight is to be a sound 145 pounds ~ but ultimately I'd like to be in the 132-138 range so I can have some "bouncing" or "play" room. We'll see when I get there.

This post is getting really long (like all of my other ones...because I never update...) so I'll end it with some of my running goals for 2011.

RUNNING GOALS:

• Run 4 5Ks. Run at least 1 of them in under 30 minutes.
• Run a 10 minute mile
• Run 2 10Ks. Try my best to run 1 of them in about an hour.
• Complete 1 half marathon
• Complete 1 full marathon. (SCHEDULED 10-15-11 in KC)

I don't have a time limit for the half or the full...I just want to complete them...with running as much as I possibly can.

Alright. Well that's going to be it for this post. I can't guarantee when I'll update again.

Until then, stay healthy.

Love,

Becca

OK. So I haven't updated this thing in like 3 weeks. Sorry!! My bad.

:)

Tonight (this morning - it's 12:48) is an incredible! It is a HUGE NSV (Non-Scale Victory) day!

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I am doing the c25k. (Couch to 5 K). It is a 9 week running program that has absolutely changed my life.

It is designed for people who do not exercise (couch potatoes) to go from the couch to running a 5 k in supposedly 27 work outs, in 9 weeks. that is 3 work outs per week.

Now, while I HAVE had to repeat some weeks because my stamina was not up to par...I am now on track with all of my weeks. I have successfully completed 22 workouts, tonight being my biggest achievement.

I completed 28 minutes jogging (at 4.0 mph - which is relatively slow...but for a big girl like me that is kind of fast!) - without holding on to the treadmill except for about a minute total (where before hand i would have been holding on for dear life!)

I am so pleased with my progress and my ability to do the things I have my mind set out to do.

I have NEVER in my life been able to jog for 28 minutes - and I never thought I would. I am so excited that I can say that now!

Next Friday, 10-1-2010 I will be graduating the Couch to 5K program, which will be 30 minutes of jogging straight. I am so excited for that day! I still have yet to determine how I will celebrate.

:) (Not with food, of course!)

To date I have lost 48.4 pounds. I am so extatic about that. That is THE most weight I have ever lost in my life. I had tried weight watchers 3-4 times, which started when I was 14...and could only lose at the most 30 pounds. Then I put it all back on, in celebration of losing it...of course!

There will be no white flag above my door.

I will not put my hands up and surrender.

Today marks week 12 for weight loss.

I started my "diet" on May 24, 2010. In 12 weeks I have lost 42.6 pounds!

HUZZAH! That is an average weekly loss of 3.55 pounds per week.

I just got home from the gym. I did 48 minutes on the treadmill.

I tried to do c25k week 5 day 3 again which is:

5 min warm up, 20 min run, and 5 min cool down - but I failed. This is the 2nd time I have failed at doing that 20 minute run.

Yesterday I had a negative attitude and gave up before even 8 minutes.

Today I lasted more than 8 minutes...but I couldn't do the full 2o minutes.

Last week I only worked out for 3 days when I usually do 6 days of work out...So I had FOUR days of rest IN A ROW. WOOOOOW that was not good for my endurance.

I am working on getting better and better each and every work out.

I sweated like mad today - which is good!

OK that is all for now.

Until later.

peace & love,

becca joy.

I believe I said earlier that I do not want sympathy - that is NOT my goal here. I started this blog in order to document my progress.

I can not believe how many Personal Messages and comments all telling me I am an inspiration to them and what am I doing?

Well, I am living my life. That is that. I am living a healthier life. Thank you for all of your kind words - it means a lot.

And yeah, making life style changes is not always easy but being fat was easy.

It's kind of...hm...I am not sure of the word...But it's like people are proud of me for doing something that I should have been doing all along. Which is fine...but it's almost like they're treating me like a little kid. And I don't really like it.

Another thing that is really bothering me is when people come up to me and say "Hey Skinny". OK - Number one? I am still morbidly obese. Do NOT call me skinny. When I am 145 pounds...sure! Call me skinny. But right now? No.

Honestly I find that SO offensive and it really is disturbing. For one, I know that is not the truth yet and I don't appreciate those kind of comments. It's kind of like...making fun of where I came from.

Now, if you have told me "Hey Skinny" I am not trying to dog on you or call you out. I just want to get it out there that I don't appreciate that comment...because I KNOW I am not there yet.

I am fat, I am not blind. Hah.

That's all for now. I'll write again soon.

peace & love,

becca joy.

How I've done it...thus far.

OK! So... this is more of my strategies section.

I can not tell you how many personal messages I have received on Facebook about you guys telling me that I am your inspiration to lose weight. Well, thank you. However I am not all I am cracked up to be.

I have flaws, cracks, and broken parts. For some reason, today I am feeling especially down. I do not like to feel this way...but I do. I feel like I am all alone in everything that I do. I know that that is not reality because I have my family...but at any rate that is just how I feel.

OK...but that is not the point of this blog. To date I have lost 41 pounds. That is since May 24th, 2010. OK. That's pretty darn good!

SOooo..

First off is exercise. I exercise like MAD. I am at the rec every day or every other day. If I am not at the rec I am (USUALLY) doing something. Now, sometimes I feel lazy and skip the gym all together...but! When I am at the gym this is what I do:

Right now I am doing the C25k Program. Let me tell you about this. C25k = Couch to 5 K. This program is designed for people who DO NOT EXERCISE or NEVER HAVE....and it's designed to take these couch potatoes (ME!) and get them running a 5K (3.11 miles - STRAIGHT - NO STOPPING) in 9 weeks. Crazy, right? Well...maybe! But it WORKS!

If you have never heard of it and want to try it - check it out! www.c25k.com You can download the workout sheets off of the website. There are music apps available on iTunes to where you can overlay the voice (to tell you when to run and walk) to your own music. Pretty cool.

So...how the program works:

It's interval training! Each week gets progressively harder...Week 1 you start out walking for 5 minutes...and then jogging for 60 seconds and then walking for 90 seconds and you do the 60/90 intervals for 20 minutes. Then cool down for 5 minutes. Each week it gets progressively harder so each week you spend MORE time jogging and less time walking.

Right now I am on Week 5 day 2 and today's work out is 5 min warm up then jog for 8 walk for 5 then jog for 8. Not exactly easy for an obese person. But I DO it because I CAN!

All of our lives we have been told that we can NOT do something. So...we get it in our mind that we can't and we believe it. Fighting the self talk (for me) is one of the HUGEST battles I have gone through and will go through. We have to fight our minds and we have to fight our bodies....double battle! So...when you switch the self talk to I KNOW I CAN I KNOW I CAN...and then once you finish to I DID IT! That self doubt erases a little bit. Now...I still have a LOT of self-doubt to lose...but with every pound that comes off a little bit gets erased.

Let me tell you, I saw a number on the scale this week that I have not seen in YEARS. And I mean YEARS...so that was kind of cool. :)

Ok...so I do the c25k (awesome) and then I do strength training! I do the machines (circuit training) at the rec complex on campus. I do this to build muscle...

"Wait...I don't want to GAIN weight...I want to LOSE it."

OK...well you need to do strength training! Muscle burns almost 2x if not more calories per minute vs. fat...so the more muscle you have the more fat around the muscle gets eaten. So if you have very little muscle and you have a lot of fat your BMR (Basal metabolic rate) will be very low. If you put on some muscle your BMR will be higher...without even having to do anything! You will burn more calories per minute for just being you! Now isn't that special?

So...I am doing that. My body has changed due to the "running" (jogging) I have been doing with the c25k...which I am loving! I am hoping to start swimming too because that is a great resistance work out.

I am for 10,000 steps per day (minimum).

So get out there and get UNCOMFORTABLE! A large reason that people don't want to lose weight is because they don't want to get all gross and sweaty..well..sorry you will be fat then. people want to sit in their huge comfy chairs and watch tv with air conditioning.

I have a new found love of being absolutely exhausted...yet absolutely excited, thrilled, happy, and sweaty after a good jog on the treadmill.

Yes. Becca can jog.

And no...that has never happened before.

And yes...that is exciting!

Losing weight brings new adventures to the table. This is just one of them.

More tomorrow? Maybe.

peace & love,

becca joy.

What is eating at me? Or... what am I eating?

Welcome to the really sappy post about how I got fat. Most people won't even read this or understand half of what I write...but for those of you who cronicle this..congratulations to you. You will learn a lot about me by reading this blog and 99.9% of this stuff is not something I go around boasting to everyone I meet. However when I enter deep conversations with people about my struggle with my body image...one of the questions people WANT to ask (but are often too shy to) want to know why I got to be the size I was. How did I get to be so big? Why did I get so fat? Why did I let myself be this obese ugly person on the outside when most people feel that my heart is "beautiful"? Why did I not care about my body, etc etc.

OK. So...it all started when I was in the 2rd grade. My father was in the military at the time and we were living in Germany. Over there my friends and I (and I had PLENTY) were running around the block from seriously 12 pm to 10 pm and barely came in for 10 minutes to eat dinner. If you've seen me as a child - I looked anorexic almost - I was teeny.

Then when I was entering into the 3rd grade we moved to America for the 2nd time. Only this time, to good ole' relaxed and sedentary Kansas. Fast food was almost non-existant in Germany in our diets and when we came to America it was our primary source of food. Now, I am not saying that my mom and dad did not cook - because they did - but I was so picky and they didn't make me eat it if I didn't want it. They would go anywhere in the world to satisfy me - and most of the time that was fast food. I fell head over heels in LOVE with Chicken Nuggets...and little did I know that turned out to be the devil in food form.

I would eat fast food constantly (even as a young kid). So, this new McNugget diet and the lack of exercise I was getting packed on the pounds. By sixth grade I was wearing boy's husky pants (they didn't make girl pants big enough). I remember crying in Sears because eventually I couldn't even fit into the fattest husky pants they had. (Husky=Fat)

So then in about 7th grade my father went overseas to serve in Kuwait for a year. I was SO close with my dad and all I did every day was seriously worry about whether he would be OK...or whether I would see him again. I began eating my emotions instead of talking about them...and I developed a really bad habit of doing that.

Then the years passed and my dad came back...but I had made food my replacement for my dad. Sounds weird, right? Well...I didn't know how to get rid of that...and all I wanted was junk food. No one ever told me no because I would throw a fit if they did.

I remember one time my mom had tried to make me eat chili (I hatttted (and still do) chili). She sat me on the counter of the kitchen until I took ONE bite of the chili. It was stone cold after 3 hours and I hopped down and ran away crying. Later that night, I fixed myself some stupid frozen chicken nuggets.

This was when the closet eating began. I would buy things for myself that no one would know about...and eat them in my room. I was constantly bribed with food in order to do something. And it worked...for a while.

My fascination with food became this overwhelming obsession - not something that I THOUGHT about but it was just something that I did. That was Rebecca. That was me.

I was taught (not purposefully) that food=comfort. Food=Love. Food=The WORLD.

Those lessons helped me ruin my own self esteem and gain a BUNCH of weight.

I wouldn't say that I had that many friends during high school. In fact I would say I almost had none. Especially during my junior year of highschool. I went out to eat EVERY. DAY. No joke. EVERY DAY. I would rotate the fast food restaurants so the employees "wouldn't know" I ate out so much. All I did that year was drain my bank account, and pack on the pounds. I think I gained 60 pounds more or less.

I think my lack of friendships here in KS has negatively effected me in so many ways...and I still feel I do not have a "group of friends".

Something you probably don't know about me:

1) I have never slept over at anyone's house here in Kansas.

2) I can count on one hand the number of times someone has called me just to have a conversation

3) Even when I am surrounded by people...my heart feels so alone.

4) Never had a "boyfriend"...not even close!

All of those factors contribute to my over-eating and stuffing my emotions. I am not sure what is wrong with me...but all of those things are true. And it makes me want to cry thinking about it.

Those play a big part in my weight gain years - the factor of loneliness being the biggest one.

All I really wanted out of highschool was to gain some friends and lose some weight...but that didn't happen.

So...that is really how I have GAINED the weight and how I've gotten fat. I basically overused food when I was a kid...and then that ballooned tremendously when I was a young adult into coping with food.

It wasn't about the flavor at all. It was about "how much food can I stuff inside of me in order to get rid of these feelings?"

Obviously, I didn't logically think that out...but that is what it equates to.

I ate when I was happy, sad, mad, glad, excited, nervous, bored, lonely, anxious, depressed, you name it - I was eating during that time!

The fatter I got the worse it became.

The fact that I have never shopped in a normal store...EVER!!! depressed me for YEARS.

So when my peers were shopping at Hollister and Abercrombie and American Eagle...I was shopping at Lane Bryant.

The store with no style and big sizes. YAY what a treat!

SO.....I am done with this depressing post...because these days are over.

I hope this gave you some insight.

If you have questions, let me know. I'd be happy to answer them.

peace & love,

becca joy.